The Autumn of Senses and Emotions

I am almost sure that none of us realises when leaves start changing colours; we are only aware of this process once more and more trees begin to expose the effects brought about by the air of September and October. Then, once the vivacity of the new season captures our eyes in such a way that it becomes unbearable, we are forced to admit that the warm is gone and we should, maybe, put a coat on, a sweater, add a few layers and possibly even let our noses rest behind the comforting scarf (something worth discussing as the moment you feel the cold you become involuntarily addicted to an object you may not always have at your disposal-keep this in mind for later). Further, our entire behaviour changes day by day. We anticipate the cold outside by employing certain newly made habits: we check the weather forecast weeks in advance (even if it's not the most accurate), we look at the sky the first thing in the morning for signs of rain, we ask other people who had ventured beyond the protecting walls of home what's it like outside...
The list can go on. Afterwards, we browse through our entire wardrobe: do I have warm clothes? do I have a raincoat? I do not want to risk being caught in the rain, especially when the temperature is soo low. We move on with our routine accordingly, continuing to stress on the little things mentioned above, and most of us brace ourselves for the worst. At this point, preparing for the worst is better than being taken aback by it. When we undertake the activity of---Are you still following? Are you listening?--navigating through the city streets, we're still exaggerating the wind and the unpleasantness of the walk because there is no other solution to defying it. Moreover, occasional random meetings with familiar faces become the experience to be dreaded-the atmosphere is suffocating; why not get home earlier? the Sun sets earlier every passing day and nighttime does not refresh the senses. Loneliness is accepted as a therapy for emotional purposes. And just like the worn-out leaves, we fall, we stumble onto the pavement and we risk dying at the foot of another. Might we get up? Maybe someone picks up fallen autumn leaves and gently presses them onto paper, just to admire them once more however unchanging they have just become. These deceased entities never see the winter they dream of, the much needed sleep and silence.

As much as we want to believe human beings to be fully independent of their environment, following such a path would only lead to a dead-end street. We mimic emotionally involuntarily. We only realise that a friend is not ok only after damage has been done and the leaf has already been stepped on once or twice. Is it necessary to draw parallels between the words just written above and the reality we are accustomed to, or is it painfully obvious? To touch upon the meaning of my words: emotionally speaking we do not realise we get bruises, but once we have them we start layering our clothes or walls so that they don't hurt that much. Further, we alter our life in such a way that scars and bruises are avoided before they land on our skin; the techniques which are employed vary but they come in the form of raincoats and getting home early to avoid the wind predicted for the night ahead. This kind of isolation is unconditionally the answer to the struggle and the effect of past events which haunt you. A trap we might involuntarily fall in is to believe that this is the normal way of getting through a tough period; a way of coping with the pain until we are no longer required to do so. After, we can avoid all individuals who contributed and we can simply pretend it never happened. Until you realise that this one seemingly sunny day was not summer and only l'été indien, autumn in disguise. Then, can we actually get into the circle of the four seasons and advance? such a decision is only up to us and it requires, maybe, sacrifices and the subconscious feeling of failure and standstill. Autumn may be longer and the white Christmas might be scheduled finally, for next year.

The road ahead is long and unfortunately potentially bumpy. However, it is one of self-discovery and acceptance, of creating bonds and appreciating life with its little details that make it worthwhile, unique and hopefully, happy.

As I'm still walking at the beginning of this road, I can only present my hopes and realisations so far. I am aware of a few details and can say that after all, I realise I can be happy and the acquiring of this state of mind is not subjective to others' points of view. We all have to relate to other things and we are happy because of different somethings and different ways.

In the end, I will sure say there was a snow cloud among the rain; It's not yet to come...But for sure it will.

Cristina.